Saying Goodbye

The plan was to run a few errands before heading to the hospital but that all changed when my mom got the phone call. “Wait, what? Slow down. Everything ok? Ok we are on our way.”  As she hung up the phone, I had a flashback to dream from the night before. There she was, walking toward me with out a walker or oxygen attached to her face. She looked 20 years younger as she approached me with that familiar sweet smile. She reached out and gave me a hug that I will never forget, because in my heart I knew it would be the last. I awoke that morning in denial and began my day as planned, until that phone call. Everything changed in that moment. Our hearts raced as we tried to beat the Lords clock. The kids screamed in the back seat unaware of the severity of the situation. The ordinariness comforted me in the moment until I remembered holding her unresponsive hand the day before. I felt others in the room with us that physically weren’t there anymore. Loved ones that we said goodbye to years back. They were there to bring comfort as she stepped into the glory, to give her peace in this awaited transition. My grief pushed the reality of this vision down deep as a Lauren Daigle song played in the background. As she belted “Hallelujah” it was in this moment my spiritual eyes went to two huge golden gate doors. I saw her walking toward them but in that very same moment she held my hand from the passenger seat and I my eyes fill with tears. On auto pilot I kept driving, hopeful but in the depth of my soul I knew she was gone. The steps were long and loud against the hospitals tiled hallway floor but as I approached her room there was a stillness that told me the truth. The tubes were gone, the machines were turned off and the coughing had stopped. My dad sat quietly by her side giving us a look that told us everything we needed to know. His eyes told a love story of sorrow and peace. Knowing she wasn’t suffering anymore yet losing his first love, his mom. I glanced over at my own mom as her shoulder grazed mine. I could see the years of love and care for this woman in her eyes. My heart ached for the moment and grieved the moments to come. I looked down at the freshly pressed bed and reached out to grab her fragile hand, I waited for her to squeeze it back but she never did. I squeezed it tight and kissed her cheek one last time.

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