First off let me just start this post off by giving my deepest apologies if you are or have experienced a miscarriage, either personally or through a close loved one. This post is not an easy one to write and one I wish I didn’t have to write. But, since going through six miscarriages myself, it has become one of my missions to help others overcome their miscarriage. I experienced my first loss in 2008, just 7 short months after we were married. It was an unexpected pregnancy that resulted in an unexpected loss. This type of loss never occurred to me as a young woman. My expectation was crushed as I laid on the bathroom floor clenching my fists to my stomach. I sobbed trying to figure out how I was going to tell my family and sobbed that I never had the chance to tell my friends. I was overcome with so much quilt thinking it was something I could have prevented. I layed there on the cold ceramic floor, helpless, as I thought of everything I could have done differently. While my husband slept soundly in bed my mind went back to the very moment I told him we were expecting. It is a moment we will never get back. A moment that is now tainted by excruciating pain, not joy.
Through the years I have used this blog to share what God has done through each of these miscarriages. God has brought me to a place of not only understanding why he allowed me to experience that type of pain but also to a place of thankfulness. I wouldn’t take back a single loss because each loss brought me closer to Him. That thankfulness didn’t come easy and it took a lot of work. I hope I can help you get there too.
One thing I wanted share today is 5 things to do after a miscarriage. This post doesn’t address what to do medically after a loss but it does address the top 5 of things that helped heal my soul.
1. Share the Loss with you Husband.
Not only share the news with him but also share your heart with him. Sharing the news with your husband is one of the most important things to do. There may be some temptation to hide your miscarriage, especially if you didn’t get the chance to share that you were pregnant. The enemy wants us to believe that by hiding this you are being strong. But that is the complete opposite. When you let the light touch your pain it allows the Holy Spirit to come in and heal. Once you share the news with your husband make sure you also share your heart. Your husband is not going to understand how you are feeling. He doesn’t have a uterus and will never know the feeling of having a tiny human inside of you. He won’t know the right words to say or the right actions to make you feel better. He may even say the wrong thing. Be honest and open with him with what you need and offer up a lot of grace. He WILL however experience pain but it will look a lot different than how you express your pain. That is why it is very important to talk with each other. Make sure you establish a safe atmosphere where nothing is off limits. You two need to know your feelings are not only honored but trusted.
“and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one flesh”
(Mark 10:8 NIV)
2. Share your Story.
This is similar to the last point, I highly recommend sharing your loss with a close friend, a family member or writing your story out. When you allow loved ones to walk along side of you during this time they become your support, someone to lean on when the path gets rocky and surrounded by weeds. There may be hesitation to share because you don’t want to show emotion or you are afraid of the uncontrollable sob, but crying is therapeutic. Its messy but it is healing. If you are not ready to share your experience with others I would recommend writing it out on paper. Write it as if you were telling a story. Try to remember every detail, every thought and every feeling. There is nothing off limits here. This is for you. Ask the questions you are afraid to ask, say the things that are too hard to say out loud and voice your pain. Let the pen flow with out hesitation.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
(Galatians 6:2 NIV)
You need to allow yourself to grieve this loss. It is a loss no matter how far along you were. I lost many of my babies at 6-8 weeks. I was early but I not only lost a living human being with a heartbeat, I lost the hope and dreams I had for this baby. Your feelings are real and they are seen and heard by God. He understands what you are going through and grieves with you. There are many ways and stages to mourning. It is wise to know the different stages in the process so that you can recognize which stage you are in and understand each stage is normal and appropriate for the healing process.
“3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
(2 Cor 1:3-4 NIV)
4. Be with God.
I thought about putting this one first because that’s the churchy answer but I want to be honest and real with you. I didn’t want to talk or be with God right away. I was upset and I didn’t understand why he would allow me to go through such pain. At some point I reached out to God and that is what matters. Start by being silent and allowing him to speak to you. Don’t be afraid to ask him questions and expect answers. Cry out to him and voice your pain, he understand. Just be and let Him heal. Many times I wasn’t ready to talk with him so I would sit and listen to worship music. I would let the words seep into my heart until it would burst and then words would come crying out.
“When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.”
(Psalm 34:17 NIV)
Never give up hope. With most of my losses I came to a crossroad. I had a choice to make, I could give up or hold on to that glimmer of hope. Don’t ever let that hope fade. God has a plan and reason for this pain. He won’t let this pain be wasted and will use it for his glory. He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Hold on to that truth.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
(Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)
I pray you have been blessed by reading this and know I am praying for you. If you need someone to talk to or ask questions I am here to listen or help. Feel free to reach out! Much love my friend.