Hope.  What is hope?  I know we all have an idea of what it is but what does it really mean to have hope?  In this world we use this term, “I have hope” nonchalantly & freely almost everyday.  We will say “I hope I can get home in time”  or “I hope this meal turns out ok” I say that one a lot.  I am known for whipping up these pantry meals because I have put off going to the store far too long and all I have to work with is a few staples.  Sometimes it works and other times we end up eating cereal for dinner, Alivia is aways excited about cereal.  But, we use the word hope everyday with out the understanding of what it really means.  The worldly definition for hope is “to wish for, to expect, but without certainty of the fulfillment; to desire very much, but with no real assurance of getting your desire.” Yes, that sounds about right when you are dealing with everyday circumstances, you desire for something to happen with no guarantee that you will see that desire fulfilled.  What about when you are dealing with something far greater, much deeper & harder to find that hope?  That is when we need to find our heavenly hope.  What is heavenly hope?  Heavenly hope is defined as “the confident expectation, the sure certainty that what God has promised in the Word is true, has occurred, and or will in accordance with God’s sure Word.”  With heavenly hope we need to constintly be looking toward God to find that promise he leaves us.  That promise is found in his word and it is a promise, it is a guarantee that God has your back.

I lose earthly hope all the time.  I’ve lost all hope that I can make a good batch of rice crispy treats!  I know, I know, they are the easiest thing to make but I am unable to get them to be chewy and sweet…maybe its a patience thing, who knows!  I’ve also have lost hope in keeping my house clean.  I mean, come on!?!  Do I spend all day cleaning? Nope. Not going to be good at that!  Friends, if you walk into my house you must embrace the dust & smudged floors, they are your friend!  So, what happens when we lose heavenly hope?  It is far greater and could be life threatening.  My heavenly hope was compromised a little over a year ago.  It was a hot summer day and I came to that point in the road where I could either go one way down the fork, or the other.  This story is pretty raw and the rawness is the reason why I have never shared it before.  But recently someone close to me had a loss like this one and it brought back a lot of these emotions and I had come to this point in the road again, for her.  Here’s my story.

August 2013 – Rush Copley Hospital

I squinted from the suns rays as I walked out the doctors office.  My breathing was heavy and it quivered as I let out each breath.  I clutched my keys tightly so that I would feel the sharpness in my hands, to take away from the emence pain in my heart.  My eyes focused on my grey car off in the distance and my mind was trying to figure out how to find the fastest route.  Deep breath.  Quiver.  “Don’t cry yet, wait.” I didn’t even want to cry, I knew I would, but all I wanted to do was scream.  I wanted to get in my car and scream.  I unlocked my doors and hopped in quickly, slamming the door behind me.  My hands held the steering wheel at ten and two and my head rested on the horn.  “No. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” I screamed as I banged my head agains the wheel!  “You can’t have this one too, no….”  Tears began to flow from my eyes, dripping onto my lap.  I buried my head in my hands and said,  “I can’t do this anymore.”  I felt so unworthy and unable to do anything right.  “How am I going to tell everyone?”  I had made it 8 weeks, farther than all my other pregnancies.  My hope for this baby was high because I knew it was God’s plan for us to get pregnant.  As I went into that ultrasound earlier I never expected to leave like this, empty.  I didn’t want to live anymore.  My heart was so broken I just wanted it to be over.  I knew I couldn’t go through this pain another time, “this is too much.”  I thought about the others I had lost, this was the sixth baby that went to heaven too early.  “why god?”  I thought about the upcoming procedure I had to go through.  Was I strong enough?  What if they are wrong?   I sat in my car for awhile thinking about how I can go on.  I watched as women wobbled out of the office, happy and ready to pop.  I was envious of them.  I sat there, I was at a fork in the road mentally and had a choice to make.  Do I want to give up or keep pushing forward?  I wanted to give up.  Then, I began to think about my husband and daughter and what there lives would be like without me.  I knew they would survive, but I also knew I needed to be there for them.  I wanted to see my daughter wearing her cap and gown, go to college, meet a boy and see her walk down that aisle in her wedding dress.  I wanted to grow old with my husband and hopefully see out little grandchildren running around the house.  I thought about my family and friends.  The relationships I have and how much I desperately loved everyone and how much they all loved me.  I realized I was not ready to leave.  I wanted to stay for them. “God……help me.”  I mentally went to the right of the fork and chose to have a heavenly hope, a hope that I was not capable of finding on my own.  Only God was able to give me this hope and help me move forward.  So, I turned the key, backed out of my parking space, and pointed my car towards home.  I cried the whole way.

At that moment in the car I had a choice to make.  I could have either chosen to have a heavenly hope and believe in God’s promises for my life or let go.  God’s promises are true and his plan for us is so much greater than our own. We are unable to see that greatness now in the moment, but later we will see it, we just have to hang on.  It takes moments like this for us to grow and become stronger, closer to God.  Because I chose hope that day my life is fuller, richer and I am filled with God’s amazing love.  What if I would have let go?  I don’t even want to think about that, so much loss.  Are you at that point today?  At a crossroad or a fork in the road?  I pray that you will choose heavenly hope.  Turn to God and ask him for help.  Find something to hold on to and speak Gods truth outloud to yourself.  Proclaim his goodness and his promises and hold on to that.   God desires you and loves you, He is for you.  This may seem like the end and you can’t go on, but just take one day at a time.  Choose today to have heavenly hope.

My life didn’t automatically get better at this point, everyday after that day in August I had to turn to God and find the strength to get through the pain.  I had to find God’s strength to keep going.  So choose today to have hope and let tomorrow worry about itself. One day at a time.  Today, find the strength to hold on to that heavenly hope. Love you friends.

Here is some of God’s promises, write them down and read them constantly:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  (ESV)

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (ESV)

Isaiah 40: 29-31 “He gives power to the faint ,and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (ESV)

*https://bible.org/article/hope