I called the agency immediately to find information on the situation. The girl on the case told me that I needed to be registered with them and have all our information in to be presented. Since we didn’t even have our homestudy in hand, I knew this situation probably wasn’t going to work.

When I got home that day I looked through my paperwork and found that CAC had already filled out the paperwork for this agency!! I called the agency back and asked if there was anyway we could be presented today if I was able to get everything in in time. She told me that if I could email my homestudy to her, send our profile to the  kinkos by her and get all required paperwork to her in the next hour we could be presented!

I was a mad women trying to get  everything together. I uploaded our profile to the kinkos in Utah and began calling about the location of our homestudy and wondering if we could get it emailed to the agency. I couldn’t get a hold of them!!  Then the agency called to tell me they received our profile and that we could be presented if we get our homestudy to them in 30 min.  Once again I let go of this idea and knew this probably wasn’t going to happen since the homestudy was still MIA.

Alivia and I had somewhere to be so we packed up our things and I walked out of the house with my head slightly lowered in defeat.

As we pulled out of our driveway I decided to check our mailbox. To my surprise an envelope containing our homestudy was there!  “Thank you Jesus!”  I quickly put the car in reverse and ran inside to scan and email it to the agency. I then walked out of my house with my head high, knowing this was a God ordained event and it all worked out perfectly!

We were presented!

Fast forward to the next day, Thursday afternoon.

The phone rang and my heart stopped. I paused before answering and said a little prayer. “God you are in control!”

I hung up the phone with a feeling that was all too familiar. A feeling I thought I would never experience again. A feeling that I never associated to this adoption process. Loss.

I will tell you this, I was right back in that hospital room, arms empty, with only the memory of my sweet little girl. She only had 8 weeks of life inside of me, but left a lasting impression. I was heartbroken. My heart was all in and the events were too perfect for it not to work out. I felt like a failure and unworthy of being chosen.

All I could do was cry.

Then, God reminded me of something I heard on the radio that morning. (Ill try my best to recreate what they said, but it went something like this)

“If you are experiencing heartache today due to something that didn’t go your way or a loss of a dream, know that God has something better for you”

At the moment of defeat it is hard to see that “something better” but God reminded me to have hope that our perfect situation is out there and not to give up. When we hold our baby in our arms the heartache will take the backseat and hopefully jump out of the car soon after.

I thank you all for your prayers and I pray that whatever heartache you may be experiencing right now that you have hope. Hope that God has something better and he will not let this go to waste. He will use it for His Glory.

Don’t give up.